Sometimes when I have the wood stove burning, it gets so hot in the house that I have to open the door or go outside. It is cold outside and tonight was one of those occasions.
As I sat on the porch in my down jacket, I reflected on the people in my life that have died and that I miss so much. My mother is the first person that comes to mind. Nancy Joann Reeves. My mom has been gone since 1985. The second person I think of is my Grandpa Garrison, Herbert Drennon Garrison. He was my mother’s dad. My grandpa lived across the street from us when I was a kid. These two people had such a profound influence on my life. I am certain that without them I would not be who I am today. I don’t often allow myself to think of people from my past life. Especially not my mom and grandpa. Tears well up and my heart breaks all over again. I can’t do it. I won’t allow myself to have those feelings. Life is easier without feelings.
As most of you know, I have a sense of humor. Thank God for it! My mom was a really hilarious lady. Not only in the things, she would say, but in how she approached much of her life with all of us kids. She just rolled with the punches. We had enough food, enough clothes, enough toys, enough money. I never doubted that my mom loved me so very much. She would often go without so all of us kids could have what we needed. My mom was very unselfish. She worked hard to keep us all happy. My mother helped me get into college. I am so thankful for her efforts to help me find the resources I needed for school. We worked together to figure out how I could afford to get an education. During much of that time, my mom had cancer and was being treated with chemo and radiation. My mom had only a short time left to live. I am sorry that I was not there more for her during her time of need. She was very proud of me for going to college.
I think that my Grandpa Garrison was an unselfish person also. He would always ask me if I had any money. I would say yes and then he would ask if he could see it. Well, I never had any money to show him, but I knew he was about to give me some. He would say, “here is $50 bucks, you might need to buy a hamburger or something”. He liked to take us kids in his El Camino to Sheplers Western store or over to see the buffalos. My grandpa babysat us many times when we were little. He would lie down with us to help get us to sleep. As he would think we were asleep, he’d get up to go back and watch TV. Next thing he heard was “where you going grandpa”! My grandpa was always there for me even into my college years. He helped me with rent, insurance on my car, lots of things. He even drove me all the way to Stillwater, OK and helped me move into an apartment. Maybe other people in my grandpa’s life wouldn’t think he was unselfish. I don’t care what they have to say.
I have found that I am a very selfish person. I have generally never had a dollar that I would give away. I do what I want when I want. I don’t go and visit my family because it is too hard for me. Not physically driving to Kansas, but being there with the people who experienced the same loss that I did when my mother died. You would think that 32 years later, I would be able to deal with all of those feeling better. I deal with feelings by not dealing with them. I have loved a few people in my life so much that I cannot go through losing anyone again. I think that is the essence of what has happened to me over the years. I have decided that it is not worth the pain of being close to someone and losing them. Not only is this true of my family, but of my friends also. I do not need to have someone around all the time to function. I am not dependent on any one person. I can thank my dad for drilling that independence thing into my head.
This post is the very reason that I don’t let my feeling get out of control. I’ve been bawling for an hour writing it. If some of you wonder why I am not married or in a relationship, well, here is the reason. I am probably pre-menstrual and peri-menopausal at the same time. So that combination of issues makes me weepy anyway.
The moral of this story is don’t let the house get too hot.